


What he deserves

by thejourneymaninn



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders Positive, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, Januanders, M/M, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Post-Canon, Self-Doubt, fuck the chantry, supportive Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9453671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejourneymaninn/pseuds/thejourneymaninn
Summary: In the mountains just outside of Kirkwall, right after the Chantry explosion, Anders and Hawke discuss what happened – and their future.Written for Januanders Day 5 – Anders and Hawke





	

No matter how hard he tried, Anders couldn’t tear his eyes away from Hawke’s beard. It was full of dirt. Maker knows that was nothing unusual, Anders had lost count of how many hours he had spent picking the remnants of their dinner out of this bushy affront to hygiene, but this time, it was different. This time, it was his fault. The ashes and gore in Hawke’s beard, the wounds on his arms, the exhaustion on his face. All of it – his fault.

“I am so sorry,” he began to – what, beg for forgiveness? For mercy? For _love_ , knowing full well he should count himself lucky if even a single scrap of affection had survived? There were no words to make up for what he’d done, but he stumbled through them anyway, clumsily, hauling himself up his mountain of guilt in the desperate hope that there might still be a future at the top. “I…I can’t believe you let me stay with you. And…stayed with me. After I destroyed everything you cared about… I know I don’t deserve it, but I swear…”

“ _Anders_.”

The way Hawke said his name, slowly, with that stress on the “An” and his jaw setting, Anders knew he was in for a stern lecture. He had feared those for so long, dreading the moment Hawke would finally realize how much of a burden he really was. It had taken him almost three years to finally understand that they were meant to console, not crush, that his lover never challenged who – or what – he was, but the way he doubted himself. This one would be different. This time, it would hurt. Reprimands. Hate. From the one person who had always supported him. Whose trust Anders had betrayed. He deserved it, every piercing word and insult. If Hawke hit him, that too, would be warranted.

But that wouldn’t make it hurt any less.

“The people I love are the only thing I ‘care about’, and you didn’t destroy them. Our friends are here, safe, sleeping peacefully in that cave over there. My sister is with them. _Free._ You saved her life. She would be dead if it weren’t for you. What you _deserve_ is more than I can give you in a lifetime. But that is not why I stayed with you. I stayed because I love you.” It was stated calmly, his voice not raised, his hands folded in his lap. And in his eyes, a flame that should have been snuffed by Anders’ deception. Still burning, with steady warmth. Still _seeing_ him.

He had no right to hide the ugliness. Not after everything, not anymore. In the Gallows, he had been selfish, high on Hawke’s support, on the fact that he was still _alive_. Hawke, this man who had surprised him yet again, deserved more than that.

“Sebastian was right when he warned you I was selfish. I cannot rest until mages are free. I will never abandon my cause for you.”

“Good. You shouldn’t.”

“Hawke, I’m serious. I know I dragged you into this, but you don’t have to…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence.

“You didn’t _drag me into this_ , Anders. You _helped_ me out of a hopeless situation. You know perfectly well Meredith called for the Rite of Annulment weeks ago.”

“I…I didn’t think you heard…” Anders stumbled through the words in little more than a whisper, all air knocked out of him by the revelation that Hawke had known.

“Of course I fucking heard, sneaking up and listening in on people are what I _do_. I would have thought you knew that, by now.”

“You didn’t say anything.” He wasn’t in the position to, but he couldn’t help sounding defensive. When Hawke had accused him of having the mages’ blood on his hands, he had _known_ …

“Well, yes, because I was hoping I could fix this without you throwing yourself right into the line of lightning. Seems neither of us has learned much in the last three years.” Hawke sighed, his exhaustion clearly visible beneath the wry smile he sent his way. “I thought with my influence…people would listen. Turns out being the Champion doesn’t mean that much after all. I asked the Grand Cleric to intervene, to send word to the Divine, tell her what a dangerous zealot Meredith was. She refused to get involved. She didn’t _care_ , Anders, not one bit. She wouldn’t go so far as to sanction it herself, but she would have let the whole Circle be slaughtered without batting an eyelid. That’s who she really was. I do feel sorry for Sebastian; I know she was like a mother to him, but I certainly won’t be mourning her. So you see, you didn’t drag me into this. I was right in the centre of this mess, sitting on my arse, pondering what to do while my sister’s life was at stake. If you hadn’t _done_ something…”

A few pebbles came lose as Hawke drove his foot sharply into the ground. They bounced off the ledge, clattering into the abyss behind them. In the screaming silence that followed, Hawke met his eyes. “Why do you think Meredith ordered the tower searched ‘top to bottom’? You know as well as I do that she was looking for a reason. If she had found anything – a papercut, a handkerchief from a bloody nose - she would have annulled the Circle right there. Without anyone around to know or help them. You didn’t condemn them. You saved them. You saved _her_.” Hawke’s face lost its resolve, his eyes leaving Anders’ to stare at the ground. “I am sorry I didn’t make that quite so clear right when it…happened. In that moment, it was…a shock.” He lifted his gaze back up to his. “But now that the shock has faded, I am not sad to see the Chantry burn. It made my father hate himself. All those years of being free, and he was still a slave to the Circle’s teachings. He drilled them into Bethany, made her afraid of her magic, made her feel guilty for who she was. Two good people, and the Chantry filled them with nothing but fear and self-loathing.” There was a sad smile on his face as he cradled Anders’ face in his palm. “ _Three_ good people. Until one of them, the strongest one, the one I will gladly tell the world I love, decided it was finally time to do something.”

Everything he had ever dreamt of hearing, but it wasn’t all there was to it. He furiously tried to blink away his tears, tried to steady his choked-up voice.

“That ‘good man’ just started a war.”

Hawke didn’t let go of his face, didn’t waver. He just nodded, one curt, determined movement. “Sometimes, that is necessary. Not all that long ago, I was in an army that marched right into one. I’ve never heard anyone say that was wrong.”

“That’s not the same; the Darkspawn would have crushed us otherwise…”

“As the Chantry has crushed mages for a 1000 years. It was about time you fought back… _we_ fought back,” he corrected himself. “It’s also about bloody time the rest of us finally stood up for you.”

“It’s not your fight,” Anders protested weakly. He had to give him one last out; he owed it to him.

Hawke heaved an exaggerated sigh. “You really need to work on your listening comprehension. As I said about thirty seconds ago, it _is_ my fight. And as I said about ten minutes ago, I would come with you even if it wasn’t. My happiness was never in Kirkwall. It was always with you. All I need is your stubbly face, my dog and, if you insist, a cat….And well, my sister. I’m sorry, but there’s no way we can keep her from tagging along. She’s a Hawke; we are immune to _no_.” His gaze turned inward, a warm small playing about his lips. “My sister, the rebel. Finally telling the Chantry just where they can stick it. I must say, I like the sound of that.”

Anders found himself smiling back. “I don’t mind if she comes with us. I like Bethany. She always tried to understand me, to understand everyone…And she said I reminded her of your father.”

Hawke blinked at him, slowly, silently. And blinked again. And again. And ten more times.

“That’s…an image I did not need…Like my _father_ …does that mean I…No,” he shook his head with a fierceness that resembled that of his smelly Voidbeast of a pet, “not going there. Let’s just…get some rest and forget you ever said that. We have a long way ahead of us.”

Anders bit his lip. He had to ask one last time.

“Together?”

Dirty or not, Hawke’s beard tickled the way it always did when he kissed him.

“Together. Always.”


End file.
